I honestly felt like I was watching a train wreck on Sunday. I knew what the outcome was going to be after the first drive of the game, yet I found I couldn’t turn away.
For those that weren’t following on Twitter, I resorted to desperate measures. I changed outfits three times in order to change up the mojo. I felt like I was performing at a Cher concert.
It didn’t help matters that it totally looked like Jay Cutler quit on the team in the second half. I get it, the dude had a “knee” injury, but damn, show some passion!
So how do I get over this experience? By taking the Kübler-Ross approach.
Hopefully this helps me recover from the traumatic experience that was the NFC Championship game. Or I’ll be soon joining another program with 12 steps. Whatever.
Step 1: Denial
• I can’t believe the old school lucky shirt couldn’t even lead the Bears to victory.
• I certainly wouldn’t put the blame on our “offensive genius” Mike Martz.
• Did they really have Caleb Haine in there to win the game?
• I’m sure Jay Cutler had a legitimate injury. He’s normally a gamer.
Step 2: Anger
• My name is Jay Cutler. My fingernail broke…or is it my knee…maybe it’s my pride…I’m such a bitch.
• I’d say Cutler has the heart of a tin man, but that is an insult to tin men everywhere.
• Would it kill the Bears to actually draft a decent lineman this year? I mean, look at these guys.
• I hope Brett Favre’s wife cuts off his penis. (I know Favre hasn’t played for the Packers in years, but I still hate him.)
• B.J. Raji, you make this kid look skinny.
• Hey Lovie, are you actually alive on the sidelines or are you and Cutler having a contest to see who can show the least emotions? Having Andrew McCarthy stand next to you on the sidelines doesn’t help matters.
Step 3: Bargaining
• What do I have to do in order to get Clay Matthews suspended for the Super Bowl for using a banned substance? I’m not above sleeping with Roger Goodell.
• Maybe we can trade Cutler back to Denver and get Tim Tebow in return? Clearly Jesus needs to be involved if the Bears are going to win the Super Bowl again.
• I promise I will never get married again if the Bears can just win one more title in my lifetime…
• …Well, unless it is Elizabeth Hurley. Then the deal is off.
Step 4: Depression
• I’m going to hang myself with my “Sexy Rexy” shirt.
• If Cutler “knee” is torn up bad, then the Bears will never get to the Super Bowl. Look at Carson Palmer and his “knee” injury.
• We couldn’t spend the money on a good back-up quarterback? Didn’t Todd Collins throw a touchdown pass to Red Grange at some point?
• Seriously, does God hate Chicago sports? Or is it just me in general? I mean, it was like He was torturing me on purpose Sunday. Sports suck sometimes.
• Of all the teams, why oh why did it have to be the Packers? Bears fans are never going to live this down, especially if Green Bay wins the Super Bowl.
Step 5: Acceptance
• It could be worse…I could be a Texans fan. Or have Kareem Jackson on my team.
• The Bears weren’t even supposed to make the playoffs, so this season was a pleasant surprise.
• It’s probably fitting the season come down to Chicago’s third-string quarterback, considering it got three wins against third-string QBs this year.
• They always have the draft to fix those problems on the offensive line.
• Next year is here for the Cubs!
Bear Down and Keep the Faith!